Archives for category: Creative Writing

DedeRecipeBook.indd

This is a really busy weekend for the Dedes. They all lined up in the studio to get their pictures taken for the Artist’s Survival Cookbook. For a while they’ve been discussing with L’Artiste how to do the imagery in the book. The pics on the blog were only quick snapshots taken on the day when their recipe was baked. Mouse baulked at the idea of re-making everything just to get better shots. She is really annoyed that nobody listened to her when she said, “Do it once and do it right!” Why should she spend more time now, she asked, when she can use her time so much better for the design of the book.

“But don’t you want to have the best possible book?” asked Detail.

“Leave her alone” said Devil. “I can understand, she’s the one who does all the work! There is always a way around it.”

In the end they decided to take new pictures in the studio and present the existing ones as selfies. They asked Mouse to quickly mock a page up to show everyone. She acted coyly at first, as she doesn’t want to show work in progress. She has a long list of things she still has to solve. But the others were adament that the readers need to know they are still working on the book. In the end she succumbed.

 

 

td muzzleI am really in a pickle now. Flip’s Top Dog Training Centre has come forward to rescue the abandoned Dede Top Dog, who had been sent – for good reasons I might add – to Beach Haven Siberia (which is my windy and wet backyard). Pavlova, the lab rat, and I were keen to study his demise. So far we have only observed his resistance, his strong will not to give in to our harsh treatment. On the bus home from work I realised how bizarre the whole situation is. One could even claim the story has a blasphemic undertone. I apologise profoundly, it certainly was not intended. In the picture yesterday, Top Dog indeed looks crucified and coincidentally it is the week of Easter. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Mea culpa.

Anyway, to make it clear, a week or so ago I decided to cut Top Dog loose as he is permanently interfering with the hard work the other Dedes do. As the Dedes want to move forward, Top Dog definitely has to go. He is simply incapable of  co-existing peacefully with the rest of the team. Since I always wanted to know how long the Dedes could brave the elements without breaking down (I want to enter a semi-permanent Dede sculpture in an outdoor art exhibition) this seemed to be a good opportunity, and the perfect job, for Top Dog. I did not reckon with how brutal it must appear to my readers, who of course only know half the story and have to make up the rest!

Anyway, while on the bus, I decided my weather experiment can safely come to a conclusion. I know enough. After five days of really heavy rain showers alternating with sunshine, Top Dog is still as hard as a rock and smiling. This gives me the confidence that any Dede sculpture should survive two weeks of outdoor exhibition. Happy with what I found out, I sent a text to the Dedes to take Top Dog down and get him back into the house. At first they were very relieved and commended me for my change of heart and leniency. Funnily enough, by the time I arrived home Top Dog was sitting in the corner, wearing a dog leash and a muzzle. Pavolva reported he was so full of himself again and couldn’t stop boasting about his toughness. The Dedes were exhausted and had heard enough.

It occured to me that mabye it is us who make Top Dog play up. Maybe we make him feel inadequate and he has to constantly re-assure himself of his greatness. The comments on the blog proved he has indeed real friends who like him. Just not us! All of us here are convinced a bit of dog training wouldn’t go amiss. So, if Flip’s Top Dog Training Centre is still prepared to take him on, he is ready to move on to a good home.  Han de Vere might enjoy a companion, but don’t blame me if it goes haywire, you were warned! Top Dog is very big headed, he is twice the size of Han. So watch out! But then you are the professionals.

 

 

top dog scare

This is no good. It is more than a month since I have written on my blog. Honestly, the Artist’s survival cookbook is progressing. Not fast, but it is moving forward. It is currently at the design stage. The Dedes had millions of boring meetings to figure out how they should publish it.  You know, those kind of meetings where the discussion goes round and round in circles. Then the meeting is declared over without a tenable outcome and a new meeting has to be called another time. And very quickly a week, then a month, passes by.

You might find it hard to believe, but the Dedes are usually good decision makers. Even though they banter a lot, they know each other’s strength and weaknesses and trust the next Dede implicitly. But then there is Top Dog. Top Dog entered the scene sometime last year and never fitted in. He is adamant he is the best, knows everything better and is not interested in anybody’s opinion unless it coincides with his own. He loves to manage but not in a co-operative kind of way, more like a despot. In short, he wants to run the show and is not interested in what others with arguably more expererience can contribute – unless he directs them to do so. The Dedes quickly figured out his cocksure behaviour was to cover up his own inadequacies. They avoided saying anything that could be construed as disagreement.  When he has the feeling he is being criticised he gets extremely aggressive and loses the plot. Ultimately, the Dedes keep to themselves as they don’t like unnecessary arguments, so they let him do his own thing and he could feel important in front of the mirror. It’s by no means the first time they have had to deal with a difficult compatriot. Though usually the difficult ones come round once they realise the Dedes are a knowledgeable and peaceful bunch who work towards building a comfortable,  non-threatening environment.  Top Dog, however, hasn’t settled. Instead he constantly complains about how he isn’t respected enough. Well, as Philosopher always says: “Respect can’t be demanded, it has to be earned.”

There is a point when even the most patient Dedes has to say “enough is enough”. So, the other day the core team of Dedes, Mouse, Devil and Witch, along with a handful of others got together to discuss what on earth they could do. They realised the presence of Top Dog undermines their work. Their plans have slowed to a near stand – still and the only way to get back on track is if he goes. As it happens, tomorrow is the Scarecrow in the Garden competition here in Beach Haven and Mouse, the keen gardener, suggested to nominate Top Dog to become their representative in the competition. That will make him feel very important, but of course, as it will rain on and off tomorrow, the weather will see to his demise very quickly.

cash cow and mouse

Mouse has been busy looking after the garden this week. We had a spell of high winds that wrecked havoc with the vegetable patch. Anyway, while she was out there tidying up she thought about the Artist’s survival cookbook and how she could define what recipes should be eligible for inclusion and what should be excluded. It’s a pretty hard decision. As you may have realised, Mouse has trouble saying no to anyone. It came to a crunch when Punch Drunk made a “milk tert”. All the Dedes loved the recipe and wanted to have it included. But somehow it didn’t sit right with Mouse, who is the edtior of the book. So it was good for her to get out into the garden, raking and hoeing and thinking it through.

Last night she came back inside and said, “Okay!” The intonation of this word was so firm and definitive, that all the Dedes turned around and listened. Mouse was surprised by the attention she got and continued: “Our aim is to make a cook book with simple, cheap but delicious recipes that contain mainly flour and water.  They might also have milk, egg, butter or oil in them which are considered basic foods. As you all know, I am not a big fan of sugar, but if a recipe requires a little sugar, that’s fine too. First and foremost, the main ingredient should be flour.” Punch Drunk knew this meant the milk tert is out, as it is bascially milk and sugar with eggs and a little flour. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fair enough! I can still make it for the Dedes when I feel like it.”

“Right” said Cash Cow. “I wanted to make a silverbeet quiche this weekend because the silverbeet is growing like there is no tomorrow and I believe a pie or quiche base should be in the book. But then the main ingredient will be silverbeet. Shall I forget about it?”

Mouse looked insecure again. Obviously in her mind it was very clear what she wanted, but Cash Cow had a point.

Philosopher came to Mouse’s aid. A pie base should definitely be in the book. It is such a basic and versatile recipe. You can have so many different toppings on your pie. The silverbeet is just one suggestion, isn’t it. What’s important is that you know how to make the base.”

Mouse agreed.

minor and detail

Detail couldn’t stop raving about dinner last night. Evan G. List made the no egg fettucini and matched them with garden fresh zucchini fried in lashings of olive oil, nothing else. And Detail fell in love. “Evan, you really convinced me” she whispered passing the empty plate back to him. “Now I thoroughly believe you can eat something made from water and flour only. I also have to admit a vegan dinner can be absolutely delicious.”

Minor, Detail’s teenage daughter rolled her eyes. “But mum” she piped up “I’ve made crackers from exactly the same dough as Evan’s no egg pasta. Just water and flour. Remember when I was cramming for my exams and you didn’t come back from the shops for ages?”

“No way,” Detail replied a tad too harshly. “If you want to make crackers you must use a leavening agent”

“A what?” Minor looked at her blankly.

“An ingredient that makes the dough lighter, such as baking soda or yeast, even buttermilk, otherwise you will just create a solid brick of flour.” She shock her head at the ignorance of her daughter.

“But mum, I tried it, honestly, and it worked. I cut it up into little squares and baked it in a pre-heated oven at 2100 C for 8 minutes” Minor insisted. “They looked and tasted like mini pita breads and I had them with cheese.”

“Pita bread definitely has yeast in it” Detail lectured.

“Whatever” Minor gave up. She knew she was right. Her aunty Chance had suggested she try it. The instant heat seemed to puff up the dough nicely. But as Detail can’t stand her half-sister Chance, Minor knew she’d better keep the knowledge to herself. To mention Chance’s name would set Detail off and it wasn’t worth it.

Detail realised she had upset her daughter again and tried to humour her. “Remember when Pirate made really yummy crackers when you where little? Maybe that’s why they became your comfort food. Should I ask him for the recipe?” She wondered why she hadn’t had this idea earlier as her daughter’s addiction to crackers put a lot of strain on the budget every week.

 

 

mouse zucchini2

Mouse proudly presented her first harvest yesterday. A zucchini nearly as big as herself. Ah well not quite, but certainly big enough to be proud of. Some of the Dedes were gathered on the kitchen bench to celebrate. After all the “hurrahs” and “well dones” someone commented that it was rather sad that those days where all the Dedes would get together to have impromptu celebrations of the little things in life seem to have gone. Now there is always a Dede missing or moping or thinking it wasn’t a worthy cause to celebrate.

Philosopher said “We need a new project! One that everyone can take part in and take responsibility for the outcome.” That seemed to be the cue for Witch. It was obvious she had been waiting for the right moment. “Remember there was this book we wanted to write?  That would be perfect!”

“Which book do you mean?” Philosopher asked, as in times of change so many ideas get thrown around and plenty of them don’t stick.

“The artist’s survial cookbook. 101 recipes with flour and water” Witch replied excitedly. “You know, the book we wanted to write with simple recipes from buns and scones to pita bread.” It is no secret that cooking is her big passion. She constantly hangs out in the kitchen trying new things.

“But that is so polictically incorrect” interrupted Bad Conscience, who had observed Devil carrying in big 5kg bags of white flour for Witch every other week. “In this day and age, you can not write a book promoting the use of mainly white flour and water. Where is the nutritional value? You, of all Dedes, should know.”

“That is not he point” said Witch defending the idea. “I know that white flour is questionable, but the bread or buns in the shops are mainly made of white flour and have additives to boot. Wholemeal my arse… marketing trick I would say, and don’t even get me started on pancake mix or custard powder.” Everybody was surprised at Witches strong language.

“What’s the point then?” asked Detail to get her back on track.

“I want to show others that you don’t need to be an organic nutter or have heaps of time to make your own stuff” said Witch. “Just start somewhere and it will become routine. You can save so much money and you know exactly what’s in your food.” Witch told them how she did a lot of research when the idea was first floated. Basically she told everyone about it and had nothing but good feedback about the concept. The book would be just perfect for artists and students and everybody else on a tight budget and who wants to be in charge of what they are eating.

“It should be easy” agreed Philosopher. “If each of us writes down their favourite recipe we should be done in no time.”

“I’ll do pancakes” trumpeted Push Push, “yummy buckwheat pancakes. Mmmm”

“But there is egg in it, isn’t there?” asked Detail.

“We have to approach it a little loosely,” said Witch. “Let’s limit ourselves to five or six absolute basic ingredients, flour, water, yeast, egg, butter…”

“I’ll do chocolate” said Top Dog who had just entered the kitchen to look in the fridge for something to eat.

“But” said Witch “chocolate is made of fat, cocoa and sugar. There is no flour and water in it.”

“Forget it then” he said and wandered off again.

“Just let’s get started and hopefully he will come round” said Mouse as she grabbed her notepad and pencil to start writing down her favourite recipes.

 

high five

The Dedes were busy with their last Christmas preparations all day yesterday and were hardly home. You would not believe what Top Dog and Empress in Waiting did while they had the house to themselves. I’ll have to start from the beginning. Their new plan for the living arrangements is that they themselves will occupy the top shelf, the next level down will be for all the existing Lil’Dedes and shelf underneath will be reserved for new Lil’Dedes that are yet to be created. All the Dedes will move to the bottom shelf, which gives them the option to also use the floorspace in front of the shelf if need be. At least this is what Empress in Waiting had proposed to King in her email. King didn’t think much of the plan and said “No”. After all, the Dedes are much bigger than the Lil’Dedes and there are 60 or so of them but only 24 Lil’Dedes. Empress in Waitings reasoning was that the Dedes are not money earners. They only act in movies and are shown off in galleries, while the Lil’ ones will be sold, so they need to be visible. She overlooked that the art cupboard is not public and nothing in there will be visible to anybody but myself. And so emails were flying to and fro until King finally got tired and shouted a firm ” I’ve made my decision! No more discussions!” across the room.

But for Empress in Waiting a problem is not resolved unless she gets her way. So the King’s decision was not acceptable at all. First she sat in a corner and moped, pondering what else she could do. Sly Top Dog, who is always on the look out for someone to help in return for future favours, shook his head and said “What’s the problem? It’s Christmas, they’re all busy. We’ll just do what we want and once it is all done, they won’t make us move back! That’s far too much work”. As he is a hard worker he rolled up his sleeves and started immediately. Surprisingly Empress in Waiting, who is a bit precious and not too keen on physical work at all, chipped in and shuffled a few things around as well. It took them pretty much all day to re-organise the art cupboard and when the Dedes came back from the shops the move was complete. All they could do was stand there, jaws dropped to the ground, and watch Top Dog and Empress in Waiting giving each other high fives on the top shelf.

carol singing

If you have read my blog lately, you know that there is a bit of a rift in the Dede world. The whole thing started when Top Dog arrived a few months back and it’s definitely caused by his nature. Like any top dog he wants to be the unquestioned leader. He’ll do anything to get there and doesn’t even shy away from underhanded measures. Some of the Lil’Dedes are growing increasingly wary and they feel more connected to the Dedes rather than the other Lil’Dedes. They’d prefer not to be forced into moving onto the top shelf and would rather like to mix with their Dede colleagues. Is it really so surprising that Lil’Artist dreams of setting up his easel in L’Artiste’s studio? He admires L’Artiste so much and believes he could learn heaps by just breathing the same air. Lil’Elephant would like to become a ballerina just like Push Push, the Dede elephant lady. Who would be a better teacher than someone who has overcome the same obstacles?

So a group of Lil’Dedes took it upon themselves to organise a carol singing evening, a nice little event in the spirit of the season. It was a spur of the moment decision, as the tension in the art cupboard becomes increasingly difficult to cope with. You could immediately see that the three of them went to a lot of trouble. They had constructed a gorgeous Christmas tree, complete with a star on top and presents around the base. Then they got a snow white table cloth out of the linen cupboard, stood up, and sang their little hearts out. It didn’t really matter that their singing was rather bad, because sadly no-one showed up. No Dedes and no lil’Dedes either.

“Ah well”, said Lil’Clown disillusioned after they had sang their repertoire for the fifth time. “The Dedes really don’t like us! Top Dog is right, they think they are better than us.”

I was pretty angry with the Dede’s behaviour. Even if they don’t believe in Christmas, it couldn’t have hurt to show up and show some community spirit. Turns out they didn’t know it was on. When Lil’Clown wanted to send out the invitation email, Empress in Waiting was hogging the computer writing important emails to King on behalf of Top Dog. Lil’Clown couldn’t wait any longer. He still had other preparations to do so he asked Empress in Waiting to send the invitiation once she was done with her stuff. She simply forgot. Yeah, right!

 

 

The Dedes have now become extremely wary of Top Dog. They find his antics very irritating. While they try to ignore him and get on with their jobs, they still need to constantly remind themselves that he is a dog after all. And like any good dog he has to sniff around everywhere and try to leave a stronger mark than the last one. It doesn’t help that much, though. His behaviour makes the Dedes feel very uncomfortable. They even feel unsafe in their old hang-out, the art cupboard. Whenever Top Dog approaches the conversation stops. Up till now, their society has been an open one and they had no locks anywhere, not even on the bathroom door. Now, whenever a Dede wants to be left alone they close the door behind them. Unfortunately, whenever Top Dog spots a closed door he needs to knock to see what’s happening. He is so worried about being left out. At least he knocks!

Last night Professor called a meeting as the gossip about Top Dog is rife. The biggest problem was to make sure Top Dog wouldn’t be there. So Professor asked Witch for a knock-out potion he could mix into a bottle of champagne he would then present to Top Dog as a peace offering. As you know, Professor is quite partial to his tipple and has no problem recognising a fellow alcoholic. Yes, that is one of Top Dog’s vices, he loves to get plastered. Initially Witch didn’t want to partake in Professor’s little ruse. She claims to use her herbal knowledge strictly for beneficial causes. But on second thought she agreed with Professor that it was for the benefit of all the other Dedes.

Professor, being one of the first Dedes, has tremedeous experience in deciphering the obvious signs on a Dede. He had prepared a little slide show to enlighten the others.

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top dog first

I actually didn’t want to write about the new Dede on the blog: Top Dog. It’s not worth it I thought. He will see how the Dede community works and will mellow, but no, Top Dog simply wants to be one thing and that is to be top dog, nothing else. You may know that the Dedes work on mutual respect. They acknowledge that each of them has their little quirks, the world is not black and white and they happily live with it. In the end they always find a way to move forward. It might take a while, but so far it has worked out just fine. Now Top Dog has entered the scene, announcing his arrival with loud incessant barking and not the least bit interested in what others have to say. Within a minute the Dedes knew his heritage, lineage and achievements, his family situation and living arrangements. The Dedes looked at each other and didn’t know what hit them. “This is how we do it from now on” barked Top Dog charging in a direction he obviously deemed to be forward. “There is no other way!”

The Dedes were flabbergasted and speechless.

Witch, who was part of the welcoming committee, turned around to go and continue whatever it was she was doing before Top Dog arrived. “Ah well, if he wants to go there let him go there” she sighed. “I have things to do!”

Chance, who stood next to her, said “I thought people with those attitudes died out  in the nineties together with the bad hair do.” Everybody looked at her.It is totally out of character for her to stoop so low and make disapproving comments about anybody she had just met.

“It might just be fear. It isn’t easy to deal with so many new Dedes at once” consoled Philosopher, who always reminds us of the positive in everybody.

“Oh no” commented Devil. “You are just blessed that you are not in the workforce… they are still around and they are very bad news.”

“What shall we do?” asked L’Artiste a little distressed. He needs everybody to be a happy family to be creative and work well.

“Wait and see” remarked Bad Conscience who was lingering in a dark corner and looking very bored. “It will sort itself out one way or another. Or if it doesn’t I will move in with him!”